Autopilot Inner Conversations & Permission to Rest
After a month in Bali, I promised I’d return to work and pace myself with better discernment. I’d say No more often. I’d intersperse delicious bouts of rest into my work days and linger in the gratitude and grace that was my reality in Bali.
After a week and a half home, I discovered an autopilot program in my brain that works to convince me that resting is ONLY for Sundays and vacations. I knew this program had been running my um, life, for (probably two) decades, but after the third week in Bali it had started to dissipate…it’s power faded, a spell had been cracked and the light of rest and relaxation shined through the fissures. Being back for the first week felt like the vacation had never happened, but nothing was too much. No work felt too big. By week two though, my inner conversation began to shift, subtly at first and then mantra-like. “There’s so much to do, I’m so busy, I better get that done too.”
I had ten minutes yesterday between calls and I took my laptop outside to the patio, plopped onto a lounge chair, and stared up at the enormous bamboo shoots reaching toward the sky. I thought, ah, I’ll rest!
I was then ambushed by an auto-response from this aspect of my ego that obviously eats ambition with Sriracha & battery acid before she’s had her morning tea. This voice said: YOU HAVE TEN THOUSAND PRODUCTIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO IN TEN MINUTES, and you want to rest??!!
I took a breath and examined this tendency that keeps me in a fake promise land of productivity: The more I do, the better I am. In my defense, I began listing the accomplishments of the day aloud.
Kids fed and to school
Dishes done
Forty pages of edits on a manuscript
Twenty emails
Scheduling & planning author and media meetings
A podcast interview
Meditated
Filled the bird baths
Social media posts
Responded to two readers of Life by the Cup
Worked on a show pitch
Did some new book acquisition paperwork
Started a new database for my authors
Wrote galley copy for an upcoming book
Reviewed copyedits from a title in production
Scheduled a book launch campaign for another book
–All before lunch.
Looking at this list in my mind’s eye, I could feel some anxiety. Perhaps it was because working from my beautiful home, relaxing on a lounge chair before my next Skype interview, sipping tea in the sun feels like cheating? And then the questions rose: Why don’t I feel safe when I relax? What is it about relaxing that makes me feel unsafe? Whose voice is that which drives me? Is it the spirit of ambition? The ghost of failures past?
I listed the reasons the hard-driver might have taken the wheel of my mind.
- I just had a month long vacation in Bali. I’d hit the rest quota.
- Being busy means I’m earning my keep. I am not a slacker, I earn my keep.
- While I’d been in Bali, the world hadn’t stopped, it was time to catch up.
- Resting means I might miss something important or worse, I won’t be important if I’m not filling the time with effort.
I opened my eyes to look around the yard. Orange trees weighted with ripe fruit. Peach colored Bougainvillea dancing in the breeze. Bees kneading lavender sprigs with sticky legs. Sunlight glittering and birds bathing and my laptop reflecting my face back at me. In the mirror that was my screensaver I said to my reflection,
“Listen, no one is going to hurt you if you relax. No one is going to judge you if you rest. No one is going to get hurt if you stop for ten minutes to breathe. No one is going to fire you for taking a ten minute sunshine break. No one is going to rest for you. No one is going to yell at you for resting.
Rest. Rest because you can. Rest because you should.”
And so I wanted to share this with you now. I want you to know that no matter what–you are safe to rest. You have permission to stare at the ceiling fan. You have all the time in the world to breathe. You are safe to rest. Because resting is a state of receiving, receive the blessings of ten extra minutes to linger on a work day.
After this exercise, watching myself, I laughed. Autopilot has begun to be less of a constant, the spell is in fact breaking and awareness is seeping in. The learning to watch the thoughts, examine, unwind, and then dismantle them bit by bit…that’s the gift.
And then boom, the ten minutes was up…I could look at this awareness as one more accomplishment…except this one was won by the powerful act of resting.
